Getting Prepared Mentally...

It's a cozy, warm (inside) Sunday and all weekend I have been thinking about the HCG diet.  I have a lot of friends on Facebook that I once went to High School with that are doing it.  I find myself being envious of the 30, 40, 50 plus pounds they have lost individually.  I still have some things I need to do to get prepared, but I thought if I started this blog that perhaps it would keep me motivated to keep going.  The horrible thing I find myself thinking right now is, should I wait until after the holidays?  How will I make it through my two most favorite holidays eating only 500 calories?  I am worried if I am thinking this now, before I have even started... am I setting myself up for failure?  I have only been successful at "dieting" one time.  I lost 45 lbs about 4 years ago before my husband I went on our first solo vacation with out the kids.  When we got there we splurged and I never looked back.  I think I put the weight back on faster then I lost it.

When my husband and I got married I weighed 145 lbs.  Back then I thought I was fat.  Oh how I wish I wouldn't have beaten myself up about that back then.  Hindsight 145 lbs was the perfect weight for my frame.  After our wedding we knew that I would have problems conceiving. Months and months of fertility drugs, thousands of failed pregnancy tests, and a failed pregnancy resulted in myself eating my sadness away.  After a couple of years we decided to do IVF, which resulted in the worlds most adorable boy/girl twins (totally biased of course).  My weight after the twins were born was about 190 lbs.  Which, wasn't too bad for a twin pregnancy...if I would have lost it.  Then our biggest nightmare happened.  Our precious little girl that we had tried so hard to conceive was sick.  We spent months upon months, and soon years in and out of hospitals while my husband stayed home with her twin brother.  Living in hospitals and Ronald McDonald houses didn't make for the best diet.  The stress, didn't make for the best diet.  The most delicious grilled cheese sandwiches in the universe located at Seattle Children's Hospital seemed to help my heart cope while my baby (I say baby, but it started when she was 4...she will always be my baby of course) was fighting for her life.

Now, I'm pretty consistently ranging around 212-215 lbs.  My life isn't as stressful for the moment.  Our daughter has her ups and downs with her health, but for this beautiful moment in time she is stable with pain.  She is not with out issues, but now that things have been put in perspective for us we consider her stable.  It's time for me to reclaim myself.  I have given myself over to my family, to my stress, to my anxiety and now it's time for me.  I had no idea I would be crying at this point in starting this blog.  Yikes, there is much more emotion inside of me then I thought-or that I have pushed away.  But, maybe this is what I need to be successful this time?  I doubt anyone will actually "follow" little me (or should I say big me-HA!) but maybe working through this is what I need!

Tomorrow I will go and get the HCG drops and I will begin phase one.  It's a little bit scary thinking about giving up my one stress reducer.  I guess I will have to find something to replace it with.  I wonder what that will be?  Thanks for reading-if your reading. 

Warmly,

Twin Mamma